Current mood:

shocked

(metem)psychosis
A fragment of this fic has been sitting on my computer, unfinished, for what I think was three years.  I didn't know how to finish it; I thought I was going to have to jump around between persons and I didn't think that was a good idea.  Suddenly it came to me last night, although you can probably see which part was written back then.

No, it has nothing to do with the upcoming arrival of "Terminator: Salvation".  I don't think.

Disclaimer: All characters in this fic belong to Joss Whedon.  I am not Joss Whedon.  I'm not a robot either.

Characters: Ensemble, starring Buffybot.

Setting: S6, but Willow's spell to resurrect Buffy didn't work.

Rating: PG

I think Willow's been altering my memory again.

I'm not supposed to know, of course.  But I remember saying that Spike was sexy, and I remember the way he looked when I said it, how he frowned and hunched his shoulders and walked away.  I wasn't supposed to say that.  And after that I don't think I suddenly was in the bedroom instead of the kitchen, sorting clothes.  I know I don't have a lot of life experience, but generally people aren't in one place at one moment and in another the next.  Unless they're demons.  Or sometimes witches.  Or....

Being a robot is hard.  Being a robot who's supposed to be Buffy is harder.  I have to remember all the things she was supposed to know, and at the same time I have to remember that they're not really mine.  And who I have to be Buffy in front of.

Anyway, I suppose Willow must have made a mistake.  She does that more often than she likes to admit.  At least my jokes are starting to make sense to other people.  I think.  It's possible I just remember it wrong.
***
It's later.

My arm is cut open.  I don't know what happened.  It's good that I don't bleed.

Willow looks worried.  She opens up my
***
I never realized how hot Anya is.  God she is so sexy.  I know she is a vengeance demon, or was a vengeance demon, but I don't think she's dangerous any more or...

Are robots supposed to ache like that?  And my skin is tingly.

"Xander, what are you doing?"  Willow sounds upset and I'm not sure why.

She gives him an angry look and bends over the keyboard.  Oh.  I don't know why Xander did that, but I guess it doesn't matter.  It might've been interesting.

Anya isn't sexy any more.  Spike is--

What was I talking about?
***
Dawn's eyes are red.  Well, part of them anyway.  She's been crying.  I give her a hug.  "I know you miss me.  Um.  Her.  I'm sorry.  I wish I was better at this."

"Please.  Don't."  Dawn snuggles up under my arms and sniffles.

"Don't what?"

"Don't talk.  You don't sound like Buffy."  Oh.  I'm sorry.

I hold her.  She's my sister and I love her.  Am I allowed to do that?
***
My arm is cut open again.  I don't know why that keeps happening.  Maybe there is a demon doing it.  Willow sometimes erases the memories of fighting if I do badly.  She says it's because of bad tactics and I will keep repeating them if she doesn't purge the files.  My neural net learns them if she doesn't.

I can hear Willow and Tara arguing.  "No!  You are not going to try that spell again, Willow!  It nearly killed you."

"But if we can get Buffy back--"

"Will.  She's not coming back.  We all miss her, Will, but death is something people just have to accept."

"Then why do we even bother?  I mean, why fight demons if we just have to accept that people die?  We can stop it happening.  It's not any different from not letting her get killed in the first place, Tara!"

"It is."

Somehow I feel cold inside.  I run a diagnostic, but my internal sensors say my core temperature is normal.  I guess it's okay.  It's not like I can die.
***
Spike is fighting a big horned demon.  I'm helping him.

"What are you, anyway, a reject from 'Charmed'?"  It's a stupid show.  The Halliwell sisters can't even fight, and their spells don't make any sense.  They're not even in Latin.  "You lame and stupid demon fake/I kill you with the power of stake!"  The demon falls over.

Spike looks at me funny.  "You've been watching that show?  It's total rubbish."

"No."

"You know, in context--"  He stares at the demon.  "It does look something like Cole.  Which means that was almost a little funny.  Willow must be getting better."

"Willow programmed me to know 'Charmed'?"  It makes sense.

Spike looks confused.  "Can't be.  The show's pants."

I look down at myself.  "Spike, my arm is bleeding."

He shakes his head.  "You've just got a little damage.  Robots don't bleed."

I hold up the arm to let him examine it.  "See?"  There's blood flowing out of my wrist and all over.  He should smell it.  Spike is a vampire.  I hope he bites^%^$%$--what?--I hope he doesn't bite me.

"Must be a bug," he mutters.

"No kidding."

"I'll have Willow take a look at your visual processors."  What?
***
/can't find anything wrong with\

Willow: red hair.  Recently gay.  Powerful witch.

-\-  \*Check the recognition subroutines."

Dawn: litt!!!!e sister.  Mystical ^e>

"I don't get it.  I'm seeing these transient gl(((######### seem to be coming from nowhere at all."

"Are her eyes suppppppppposed to e open?"

poke poke poke

"Dawn, she shouldn't be turned on!\

\turned on (adj.): desiri\ invalid ref. under current conditions\

what does tha*-----
***
"Buffybot?"

"Tara?"  She's staring at me.  I think this expression means she's concerned.

"Are you feeling okay?"

I run a diagnostic.  "All my systems are operating under normal parameters."

"You turned on during a procedure.  Willow was afraid you wouldn't boot up properly again."

"I'm sorry.  I didn't do it on purpose."

"You can't start up during a full-interface diagnostic.  It could damage your core programs."

"That would be bad?"

"You'd forget who you were.  You'd forget everything.  I-I think it might be like dying."

Oh.  "I can't die.  I'm just a robot.  And Willow makes me forget things all the time.  Sometimes other people do too."

Tara seems to be processing the data.  "Do you like it when she does that?  D-does it bother you?"

"It's confusing.  I end up in different places and I don't know where I am.  Or I start saying things and I don't know what they mean.  I...no.  I don't like it."

I don't know why she frowns at that.
***
everything is bright and soft and warm
***
Both my arms are cut and I'm bleeding.  I'm bleeding!

"Willow, help!  I'm bleeding, I've been damaged!"

Dawn: "No!  Stop, Buffybot, you're okay!  Stop!"

"I'm damaged.  I have to return to Willow!"

Dawn sounds frightened.  "Look at your arms.  You're not bleeding.  You can't bleed."

All I see is circuits.  I'm not bleeding.  I don't know why the plastic skin on my wrists is cut but it's not serious.

"I need Willow to repair my skin.  People aren't supposed to know I'm a robot."

"I'll get you back to Willow.  It's okay.  Hush.  It'll be okay."

"Dawn?"

"Huh?"

"Isn't that supposed to be my line?"
***
"I'm not certain the Doublemeat Palace is an appropriate job for a single guardian of a teenage girl."

"It's not hard work, Ms. Kroeger.  I don't mind.  I don't even have to think about it most of the time.  And I have friends who look after her when I can't be here."

"Even so."

"I know it's not much money, but it's enough.  I don't have to buy much food even."
***
not alone
warm

nice
***
"Sometimes you look like you're not really here."  Anya peers at me.  "What do you think about when you're not talking?"

"I'm not here," I tell her truthfully.  "I'm not really a person.  So I don't think."

"If you don't think, how do you know that?"

I process that for a moment.  "I think Willow programmed me to know that.  Dawn kept asking about it and then I started asking about it imitating her."

"Oh."  Anya looks into my eyes.  "Do you think I'm attractive?"

"You're a very pretty woman.  I'm programmed not to be attracted to anyone any more, though.  I don't know why.  It sounds like fun."

Anya says very quietly as if I can't hear her, "stupid xander".
***
I'm holding a knife.  I don't know why.

Tara's eyes and mouth are wide open and she looks really, really scared.  I don't know why about that either.  The knife's pointed at me, not her.
***
"I don't know why you're doing this, Tara."  Willow sounds upset.

"Willow, something's wrong with her.  I mean really wrong."  She holds up a blue crystal on a thin chain and wraps the chain around my forehead.

"Tara."  Willow's brow crinkles.  "It's just a robot.  And I know it looks like Buffy, even sometimes acts like Buffy, but it's not a person.  I can reprogram it so it won't try to...do that any more."

"Spike's not..not a p-person," says Tara.  "Would you reprogram him?  Not to keep him from hurting people--I g-guess I could understand that, if we had to--but the way you reprogram her."

I try to say it's okay, I'm just a robot.  But my speakers are shut down, and only my mouth moves.  Tara looks upset too now.  She reaches around the back of my neck.  "It's okay," I say.  "I'm just a robot."

"I know," says Tara quietly.  "But it's not."  She adjusts the crystal.  "Hephaistos be silent.  Athene, spirit of wisdom, come forward and offer us sight."

"It's cold here."  I don't know why I say this.  "It's so cold all the time."

Willow blinks.  "It's reading normal on internal sensors."  Tara frowns and says "Hush."

"Everything's sharp," I hear my speakers saying.  "And violent.  And harsh.  I don't know where I am."

"Tara, you're making it glitch somehow.  Maybe you shouldn't be using magic around it."  But there's something about her voice...she sounds so frightened.

Tara frowns at her.  I don't know if I've ever seen her look this angry.  She almost never glares.  "I don't think it's a glitch, Willow."

"It's okay," I try to tell Tara.  "My diagnostics all say everything's nice here and I'm not bleeding."  She shivers convulsively.  "You must be so cold," I say.  "It's so cold in here."  I offer her a quilt from the couch.  "I'm just a robot.  I don't need it."

Willow's eyes are wide now.  "Buffy?"

"Yes?"  I know I'm not really Buffy but I have to respond to her name or everyone will know and they're not supposed to.  Because I'm only--

"What do you remember?" Tara asks.

"Everything was soft and warm," I say for some reason, "and I knew I was loved, and I was finished."  Willow begins to choke and my database says maybe she needs a Heimlich maneuver but somehow I know that's not right.  "What does it mean, being loved?  What does it feel like?"

Tara's eyes are leaking wat^H^H She's crying, though I'm not sure why.  "You don't know?"

"Is it like when your skin is tingly and hot?  And you want someone to touch you?"

"S-Sometimes," Tara says faintly.  "Sometimes it's a-a-a little like that."

"Willow shut off those systems," I say, though I'm not supposed to remember that, and I still don't exactly.  "I'm not supposed to think anyone is sexy.  Or touch some parts, but they're turned off anyway."  Willow looks as if she's about to cry too now.  "But there's supposed to be something else too, isn't there?"

Willow wraps her arms around me and for some reason I put my head on her shoulder.  It feels funny.  "Yes," she says.  Her voice is shaking.  "Yes, there should be more.  I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry," I tell her.  "I'm a robot so it's okay.  Willow, stop crying, it's okay."

"No," she says.  "It's not."

My insides feel all cold and hard and-- "Take it off."  Tara stares at me.  "Take it off takeitoff!"  I rip the crystal away from my forehead and throw it across the room.

There.  My diagnostics say everything is okay.  I'm okay.  I'm okay now.

"We have to call Giles," says Willow.  "We need to tell him.  Maybe there's something he can do."

I don't know why she says that.

I'm a robot.  I can't be the real Buffy.

I'm not.

I'm not